Reality Bites – R U OK Day – BPD update

Today is R U OK day and almost a year since I shared my mental health issues. I thought it was about time I updated you all.

Firstly, I have come so far since I last posted on mental health. Half the issues and thought patterns I used to have are no longer an issue and my psychologist is happy with how I am going. I still have a way to go on a few specific issues, but I am happy with who I am and my life right now, which is great.

On Tuesday, I got back from FinCon12 to a real slap in the face and my world basically ripped out from under me. I could hardly breathe. If this had happened last year, I would have crumpled in a heap and simply given up. Now, I am strong enough to handle this sort of thing. I have a strong support network and the confidence in myself to be able to fight this issue.

Last year I would have most likely crawled into bed and given up on everything. This year, I cried, but was able to talk to some great friends about it and work out a plan of action. It is devastating, but I am not giving up and I know I can handle it.

Last year I posted about anger outburst and bouts of depression. I have a lot more control over my emotions now and am able to step back and look at things more logically, instead of so emotionally. I still feel things intensely, but I have so many positives happening in my life now, that when things seem bad, I try and look at in terms of my whole life. Is what is happening now going to matter in a few months/next year etc? What is the best way to handle this to achieve the best outcome? (And the answer to that is not to blow my top! Lol).

I think a few of the big differences or changes I have made in my life which have really helped are:

–       A great support network: My family have always been supportive, so I consider myself truly blessed. Since my daughter started preschool, I met some great mums, who are really supportive and I can talk to about anything. It makes a huge difference having people near you, that are there for you. I used to feel very alone here in Sydney, but not anymore.

–       Therapy: I go once a fortnight and it has helped a lot. We have just come to a rather crucial point for me and I think in the coming months I will be able to move past a key problem of mine and I am really excited about that. Therapy has helped me recognise when I am spiralling, change my thought patterns and to step back if I need to. I am so glad I found a psychologist I really click with, who is also Christian, so understands that side of things when it comes to my behaviour as well. It makes a huge difference.

–       Diet and exercise: I am much more conscious of what I eat. I know if I eat junk/chocolate/caffeine for the following days I will be messed up. Energy drinks are the worst thing I can possibly have and I have to really limit any chocolate intake. I make sure I get outside every day and exercise a bit at least. It helps me clear my head and the vitamin D from the sun is known to help with depression.

–       Finding myself: I have spent a lot of my life doing what I thought others wanted me to do. Many would find that hard to believe, but there are people in my life whom I desperately wanted to approve of me. Maybe approve isn’t the right word. It’s hard to describe, but I needed them to be proud of me and my life decisions were based on what I thought they wanted. I have come to realise that is a bad way to live and have been changing my life accordingly. It has not been easy, but I have really been focusing on my life and what I want/who I want to be. This has included weight loss and taking better care of myself.

So my life is changing a lot. I no longer feel so much like a borderline and can’t even remember the last time I wanted to self harm or had a real “episode”. I am really happy with my progress this year and know that things will continue to get better, despite how bad some things are in my personal life right now.

So thank you everyone for all your support. Make sure you ask people “R U OK?”

Edit 1/3/2014: 1 month after this post was written, the “slap in the face” written about at the top got much worse. My now ex husband go violent, he stalked me, I had to flee and had an AVO put against him. There are on going issues even as we speak surrounding this. Once this happened and I left him, things went very bad with my now ex in laws. While the above post was accurate at the time, it is not a reflection of my current life.

14 thoughts on “Reality Bites – R U OK Day – BPD update

  1. Kylie, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It’s so brave of you to admit what’s going on. I, too, suffer from depression and go to therapy for it. The things you named (support system, therapy, diet & exercise) are so crucial to recovery. If you ever want to talk, I’m here 🙂 It was great seeing you at FinCon again!

  2. Thanks Briana. It was so good to see you again. I didn’t realise you have depression too. I’m here for you too if you ever need to talk. 🙂

  3. I’m glad you came out to FINCON again this year. It was great chatting with you as we walked through the streets of Denver, and your presence made my night that much better. Can’t wait to see you again!

  4. Kylie, you have been one of the biggest highlights for me at both conferences! You have such a warm, genuine, sweet personality that really brings out the best in others.

    I thank God that He has put such a strong support system (including a Christian therapist) around you! I love that you included exercise and diet in your list, what we put into our bodies can have such a strong affect on these things.

    I hope we can stay in touch throughout the year!

  5. Thanks Luke, I am so glad we got to spend more time together this year. I had a great night chatting with you too. Can’t wait for next year.
    Khaleef, thank you. I loved getting to know you and your gorgeous wife better and am so glad we met last year. I definitely want to stay in touch. Looking forward to seeing everyone next year. 🙂

  6. Kylie, you and I have a lot more in common than I thought. My wife had to deal with many of the same issues early in our marriage. She didn’t have depression, but had many childhood issues that she had never fully dealt with that caused a lot of anger and emotional outbursts.

    She too went to a Christian therapist and has done so much better over the last few years. She has now found passion and meaning that she never thought she would have. She just graduated from college at 43 and just started her teaching career.

    It was great to meet you at FinCon and get to know you a little. I now wish you could have met my wife that day, but she was in the hotel room grading papers and doing lesson plans. Maybe next year.

    I just said a prayer for you and wish you well. Awesome post!

  7. I admire your honesty and openess. Your strength should help you get through those spiral sessions easier. Glad to hear about your support system. Make sure to lean on them when you need to. If that fails, you have your online support system here as well. Hope to catch you at next FinCon!

  8. Thanks Jason. That is such good news about your wife getting through and achieving a degree. A Christian therapist makes a huge difference I think.

    Thanks Buck, it’s great to know there are so many people both online and off who are supportive of me. I’ll be there next year!

  9. Bless you Kylie, thank you for sharing your continuing journey. I’m a Christian too, my Mum had BPD and sadly it ruined – and eventually ended – her life. For your children’s sakes, I thank you for taking the time and effort to seek help and learn to handle the emotions and difficulties that come with BPD, in a positive and healthier way. My Mum never got help (never admitted she needed it either) and physically, emotionally and verbally abused me as a child. Before her death we hadn’t spoken in nearly 15 years, and she never saw my two children. So I know firsthand how devastating BPD can be if left unchecked. Good on you for seeking healing, and letting others know that BPD does NOT have to rage uncontrolled!

  10. Hi Kylie,

    It is so great to hear how much progress you have made since your last post. You are incredibly brave and generous with your honesty and it has been such a wonderful thing for me to share. I have suffered on and off with depression for some years and I too have spent a majority of my life trying to make others happy at my own expense. I know things are tough now with your separation but remember that you are an incredibly strong, intelligent and capable person and you will get through it and continue to grow and be happy as a person, a Christian and as a mum. THanks again so much for sharing – you have helped me more than you can possibly know

  11. Hi Kylie,

    Thank you for sharing your journey with BPD, I now feel that I have some understanding of this gahtsly illness. For the past 18 yrs I have journeying through Bipolar. I am the best that I have been for the last 2 decades. To me you epitomise the dignity, humility and bravery that people with a mental illness display. My new journey begins this year and I just wanted to say that you have inspired me to believe even more in myself. Thank you.


  12. Good Morning, I read your post and this sounds like what my daughter in law is dealing with. My question to you is , since you are learning to deal with your issue, have you allowed your in laws to see your children? We have had our grand kids banned from over night stays at our home and we go to see them on Sunday mornings. My daughter in law is very much a controlling person and when she is not lashing out at us, she lashes out at our son. Thanks for your honesty.

  13. Sorry you are having to deal with this Sandra. I was distancing myself from my in laws, not my children. They still saw each other all the time and I have not kept my kids away from them. That’s not much help to you. My view was always I had issues with them, but didn’t stop my husband taking our kids there or anything.

Comments are closed.